A Trainwreck Of Amazingness: Top Model All Stars 17.01 'Nicki Minaj'

So I’ve been a huge Top Model fan since it started. Since its humble first two cycles the show has progressed from ridiculously entertaining, to plain ridiculous, to boring, to vaguely credible and back to ridiculous again. Through all that I have been an avid fan and the Cycle 17 (!) premiere was like the big pay-off for all my enjoyment and suffering. Thank you Tyra!

There was so much wrong and yet so much right with the All Star premiere. First off we have to say that 90% of the contestants on this show never get any credible modelling gigs. The majority of them head down the entertainment route or just vanish back into obscurity. This issue was never flagged before since we were always told that the winner was going to be an amazing supermodel. They never were. Sure there were a small handful of contestants that had bucket loads of potential (Katarzyna and Anya from Cycle 10 STILL stand out to me, and thankfully are working models) but almost all of the winners are mediocre at best.

This cycle they have ditched the idea of finding a credible model, and seem to just be looking for a celebrity. It’s pretty hilarious that the premiere had about 5% or less to do with anything model related. It’s called ‘America’s Next TOP MODEL’ for f*ck’s sake! The show has officially embraced the fact that it will never produce an actual ‘Top Model’ and is now just out there to make great trashy television.

Anyway, despite lacking an ounce of realism the first instalment of the series was one hell of a ride, and I am hugely excited to see what else Tyra has in store for us! All the girls met each other and we already know who will have the biggest clashes, and a lot of girls seem to have developed even bigger diva attitudes. We got a live judging which was all amounts of insane fun, especially seeing Alexandria getting booed and yelled at...Nicki Minaj should be made president. Of the world. I love that woman.

One of the best things about the episode was this though:

NIGEL HAS HAIR!!! Hahaha!!! I actually cannot stop laughing about this...

There was one major thing missing from this cycle though and I think we all know what, or more correctly WHO that is. JADE. Seeing that woman on my screen for 13 more weeks would have been the greatest gift God ever gave me, but sadly she refused to take part. Oh well Jade, your loss; you will always remain the "undiscovered supermodel". I guess I'll just stick to Cycle 6 re-runs to get my lessons in Top Model vocabulary.

And where the hell was Natasha? I loved my little Russian Spy... Oh well, there is still one crazy group of girls here.

Shannon Cycle 1

Always liked her, and she should provide some entertainment but I don’t see her sticking around. If anything I’d say she’ll quit.

Camille Cycle 2

Excellent choice! There is going to be major drama with her.

Brittany Cycle 4

Another brilliant choice and she was always one of my favourites, not just of her cycle but of the entire show itself. I’m still fuming about her elimination and I really find it hard to believe nobody remembered her.

Lisa Cycle 5

This girl takes crazy to the extreme. I can’t wait to see what she gets up to.

Bre Cycle 5

Hmm, was never really taken with her, but she is one girl that people always remember.

Bianca Cycle 9

Like Camille, there is going to be a huge load of bitching centred on her. I hope she sticks around solely because of the entertainment she’ll provide.

Dominique Cycle 10

I would have loved to have seen my favourites Kat and Anya back, but since they’re actually working models, I’ll have to make do! Oh well, at least she’s fun to watch!

Isis Cycle 11

There was no way Tyra would pass up the opportunity to milk her sob story even more. Either way I’m glad she came back and she brought some new swag with her! Here’s hoping she’ll stick around.

Sheena Cycle 11

A strange choice really, I’m not sure what she’ll end up bringing to the cycle.

Allison Cycle 12

MY FAVOURITE! I’m crazily surprised she was chosen, but in a great way. She has to win. She could actually be a model! (Not that that actually matters this cycle)

Laura Cycle 13

Cute and I did like her, but she’s no Erin.

Angelea Cycle 14

Dear God, this woman. OK, she will bring shit loads of drama with her but she annoys me to death!

Kayla Cycle 15

She was loads of fun, and there’s still a load of stuff for Tyra to take advantage of with regards her sexuality.

Alexandria Cycle 16

A given. She wants redemption, but really she doesn’t deserve it.

OK, so I’m definitely backing Allison to win. The girl is amazing. Apparently she's been spending more time "behind the camera" and has done some art internships. I bet she knows what a disaster this is waiting to happen and she just wants to be there to see it unfold.

Bring on next week! And when are the makeovers? How will she get away with making a girl throw a fit not once but twice about a new haircut?! (Note to Tyra: SHAVE BIANCA’S HEAD.)